the first magazine i ever had
all mine:
Dolly
[free! inside]
soon after:
posters on my bedroom wall
of people i know not
who are they are
or whether i'd even like them

oh i never broke anyone's back
unless it was camoflaged as a mosquito
and i squashed the mosquito
because i squash mosquito all the time
so if your back was a mosquito
and it was a mosquito i squashed
then i guess i did break it
& i apologise.

don't ask me why when I cry
it makes me cry

i'll tell no one way:
stillborn ideas
brain frie
being mediocre is darlingly g0rgeous

i watched sling blade today
it was lovely.. i liked it
but i wish it were called something else

sleeping so careful not to touch me
not all me's are I, okay?
standing for

i want to go hOmewannagohome homehome

my chest is hurtin'
i must have cancer

//if who i am today's a sign of where i'm going
i'm ready to embrace//

been reading:
http://www.neuroticpoets.com/plath/
depressed as hell. :)

an evil plant lady had sent her helicoptered spider after me
through the forest it followed me to capture me and bring me back to her
i caught all the coloured forest butterflies in my hands
and whispered to them:
please please change the evil plant lady into nice plant lady*
and let them fly! toward her
where they landed upon her and flittered their wings
turning her into a colour butterflie wing cloud with butterflie kisses
when the butterflies rose
she was a nice plant lady and i stroked the spider helicopter

someone is delivering me big grey chinese sleep
it presses on me comfortably

sometimes when i wake up i think i'm chinese

when i lie down my spine disappears
& i know i'll never move again

nothing ever stops sinking in

everything that looks like something
needn't mean anything

i want to know how people want things
i think it's why i'm unhappy

someone said to me:
people learn to want out of necessity*
but if that were true, i would want
too
want can't be too necessary
though perhaps it is, for the people who don't want simply die
maybe that is how the strongest now survive

nothing is necessary

i've bought so far 3 wigs:
one long straight brown: $33.00
one short curly white: $3.25
one long and short spikey black: $5.10

i also bought:
one 6 inch tall wooden moveable mannequin man: $3.25
one grey fibreglass female butt: $19.95
six bald faceless styrofoam heads: $4.95 each
one pair black&white striped tights: $3.00
one pair zebra fur boots: $15.50

there are some things money can't buy
for everything else, there's mastercard

i want to be a fireman
a nurse
a cashier
a botanist
a waitress
an actor
a veterinarian
a teacher
an editor
a scientist
an astronaut

australians can't be astronauts
none of them sounded right anyway

i want to be a singer
in a band
a composer of
a writer of
a wife

sound worse

i want clothes that fit
shoes that fit
my own shoes that fit
so far none of them have
or i've been barefoot the whole time
i can't even remember!

oh
one pair of black lace gloves: $1.75

i want to eat the three skittles
but i must save them to burn the colours into my brain
i never seem to correctly remember colours

i had an art instructor once
who could look at any painted colour
on any canvas
and name the exact shades of colour that had mixed it

i never seem to correctly mix colours either
if i could be patient enough to measure, perhaps

patient enough to

the light bulb exploded in the bathroom
so i plugged the plastic jesus nightlight into the spare socket
and showered in glowy semi-darkness this morning

even continuously changing my mind would be preferable
to having hardly this/these mind(s)

i feel so dry and old
not charmed with the pretty anymore
just tired with it

my minds feel so simple
they are thinking complicated thoughts so simply
in such a simple way
slow and simple
simple

every time the flie lies on me
it steals 2or3 years of my life

i enjoy washing my short hair... it isn't such a chore.

people are snow
going uP^

everything turns into rain










i'm old and useless

make me worse
made me worse! while making it better

oozing misery ..stay away from me!
nowhere to be alone (don't follow me into the bathroom)

i love my little bunnie so
and feel sorry for her
she's so stupid

my wigs arrived today!
it's bizarre.. not even me

i don't praise people

[he's so pretty but thinks he's not]
[makes me madmadmad]
[iammad]

my minature mannequin man came also
he's frozen in a prance pose
very lovelie&happy i am

&cartoons all night forever
hurrah :)

i want a tea set
flower petal delicate
in powder blue

that fly!
flies are souls

i smell the blood of an englishman
(imagination run away with you)

we have whine&wine
2 bottles of sighs

who knows where
to here knows when
i'm rather happy

but sex is far too damaging
(if you're lovelie you should spread for the world)

i'd like to be made of water

i wonder if i get mad because i am mad
or hurt or sad

but everything is so much simpler than i think and so am i

wonder what i need

advance&retreat
silent pacts
such a feeling
storm in a teacup

i need to collect all the thoughts
down there *here
& mush them all together into
something.. one big something
rather than a lot of nothing

making pasta & about to watch another
movie at least there's always television to
comfort me :)

my next aquisitions:
a bonnet & a black lacy parasole

..pasta..

shadow blinded
conversations with the moon

i have a new cousin
veronica
she weighs 3 pounds&her moth-er is dying

i wonder if butterflies have room in their heads

i have no shoes

what do you do when you wake up next to a dead person?

the only time i ever lie
is when i say i never lie

i wish i'd be more grateful for everything
or even slightly grateful

i've never been very appreciative

been worried about nothing:

i'm not any more fake than anyone
they all come across themselves much the same way i did/do

//such a pretty day for a bloodbath//

goddess of fire&rage

like people collect
connect
perhaps this is why i haven't a friend

i'm always looking for something to create
even when i'm busy creating something else
i think it's why i'm always distracted
always distracting myself
i think it's why i never get anything done

my angel only protects me
it hides his bruises mine
so the people who look won't see
cause i just can't be taken
a way i just can't walk
away

today i can't read words

i went to the library
& looked in the children section
& looked in the fiction section
& couldn't find anything 'cause i couldn't read

i went to a niche
where people look at microfilms
& sat & looked at a blinking-[b]light machine
the electrocution machine
while a nearby guy snored

i thought about sneaking over & seeing
if the snoring guy had anything worth stealing
but then he woke up & it was too late
i don't think i would have anyway

i sat & looked at the book shelves
how if i were to push one right over
they would all go toppling down
just like in the movies

i thought that after i'd pushed them all over
i'd slip under one of the fallen shelves
& crawl out the other side
so they'd think it'd fallen on me
that it hadn't been me who pushed them over

then i left without borrowing any books
& it was windy outside & the sky was a beach sky
& i was a beach ball

i wanted to go into the art museum
& i wanted to go into the church
but i didn't
i came home

everything i say ends in a question mark
violent whys&lies
vile

today i learnt that my bunnie is a boy
& i still haven't any shoes