in the confession booth 11 years old
i'd make up sins
so i wouldn't have to tell my real ones

the one true sin i remember confessing:
hiding the sandwiches
my mother made me for lunch
under my bed
instead of eating them at school

the largest collection i managed
[before one of my parents found them]:
21 mouldy peanut butter sandwiches

empty headed & having to smile lately
haven't been outside in a long time
my lips hurt from biting them

i was in the bath so long my skin peeled off when i scratched it

a sea of glass
yellow houses
and lots of footless people

i have feet again
i have new shoes
feel loving

america keeps surprising me
it's alot more conservative/closed minded/old fashioned/immature than i thought

why do americans like it so much?

a novel a day
a dream constant lie
[i've had more sex than anyone]
[but i'm still like this]
there's no such things as flowers
i can't talk when i need to

how can i [make him] understand that i'm not sad?
sorry. it's just in my nature to seem unhappy [always]

i want to go outside! (oh no, it's too cold)
if it's between grr or brr
rrr!!

stircrazie

_¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸_¸,ø¤here&where¤ø,¸_¸,ø¤°`°¤ø,¸_

voices&voices trickling&spiralling in&around dust-speckled air
figures on the edge of my eyes tall&shimmery not-quite-there
calm on the soft floor resting in the warm pink room in my head
staring languid&supine unthinkingly pretending i'm not scare-d

wind and wind and wind and wind
i'm full
of

feeling fallible
my aunte attempted suicide &
my nasty uncle tried to kill my nice uncle

i'm learning lots through my forme
people seem understandable

i miss

submarine rainbows in me

November 16th
6:46 pm
emekam

make me
make me
make me
make me
make me
make me
make me
make me
make me
make me
happy
you
make me
hard

i'm the mother of fish.
thinking of piercing my lips closed &
turning up my head volume,
shaving off my skin,
drowning out.

(please die) (!)

i'm a
cinderella wolf in sequins
chasing flying pigs

a servile self-seeking flatterer

rippling colours into the water &
everything

cold hands
scissor hands
balloon hands

[men have ugly necks]
[tree-stump bucket necks]

put everything in my mouth

does please hold any special meaning for me?

i'd like to be able to like people in order
i'd like to pay people with attention
i'd like to feel anyone was worth the time
i'd like to understand a word they say

didn't say:
nothing makes me feel good,
but i rarely feel bad; so it's okay.

I am squeezed through such a small gate;
I feel so unforgiven, I am so unforgiving still.

stupid things upset me & real things don't
i [think i] need to be more outwardly emotional
& more appropriately

i have a world-long wish-list
but it doesn't mean i want anything

un-thinking = nothing to say

dyed my hair black again
& made something new

that was my 100th entry

(every mere me)
(+ evil 3 lobed eye)
(o)

something even newer
interactive neverending storie.

my answer to everything lately has been
it's up to you.
think i'll change that.

& fill my head with something translucent.