girls and boys
might as well be
the same species

i've been spelling my middle name wrong for the past 20 years.
nobody ever really told me how it was spelt
just that it was maree
so i've always spelt it marie
but i got my birth certificate the other day...

i'm writing a captured girl song,
it's called: captured girl song

inspiration
the one episode of millenium i've ever really watched
hole's jennifer's body
remembering telling people i was a sociopath & wondering if it was true

it began a story:
I'd been thinking of doing it for some time, over a year, in fact. I'd planned it out several times in my head, each time different, but even with all that musing and plotting I'd never really thought I could seriously do it. I mean, watching such stories at the theatre or on TV, or hearing of similar happenings in the news, always saddened me; disgusted and scared me. Somehow, though, thinking of doing it myself didn't upset me in all. Actually, it didn't make me feel anything, really, which confused me because it didn't seem to make sense. After wondering about just that one lonely afternoon, I found that I had at some time come to the unconscious decision that I was really going to do it, that very day.

& i already know i'll never finish it
i've lists & lists of unfinished songs & stories

7 things you are afraid of:
1. the worst thing anyone could do
2. this country & it's people
3. the thought of being stuck in this country with it's people forever
4. using the telephone
5. success
6. being abducted by [something] when i'm alone & it's dark
7. having my nipples cut off

7 things (or people) that make you laugh:
1. my joobly husband
2. when the mayor forgets he's not a powerpuff girl and dives out the window
3. most cartoons, especially pond life
4. things made of plastic
5. things i wrote in 1998
6. the people i scorn [almost everyone]
7. self-proclaimed mental illness

7 things that make you cry:
1. my husband
2. movies [all movies]
3. empathy
4. leda's swan
5. things i wrote in 1998
6. infidelity between anyone
7. being un-liked & disliked

7 things you love:
1. my joob x
2. snow & dark clouds
3. bells & sequins & beads & fake gemstones
4. photographs
5. strawberry frozen yoghurt
6. music
7. thunder & rain

7 things you don't understand:
1. religion & fanatical belief
2. pop
3. war for any cause
4. addiction & helplessness
5. suicide over sadness
6. rage
7. body hair

7 things on my desk (or table):
1. 2 computers
2. many coverless cds
3. many half filled notebooks
4. pennies
5. multivitamins
6. porcelain cat with an un-secret compartment
7. bubble mix & wand

7 things to do before you die:
1. be home again
2. have sex 7 million times
3. create something good
4. prove to myself i'm not evil
5. collect some mannequins
6. see what's happening to me
7. realise i'll never do any of the above

that took me a very long time..

i've been in america a year, and the light-switches being upside down still makes me dizzy.

when i was small, it took me a long time to put my hair up in a neat ponietail.
even when i'd ask my moth-er to do it for me, my ponietails were never neat.
the ponietails of the other girls were always so neat. i was consoled by assuring myself that they just had moth-ers who were better at it than mine.
then, during swimming season, i watched as the other girls put their hair up in neat ponietails themselves.
it made me jealous, watching the other girls put their hair up in neat ponietails with effortless ease, taking all of five seconds.
i still can't put my hair up in a neat ponietail. so i wear wigs.

goodbyes are so glamorized

it must be nice being intelligent &
able to carry on conversations &
maintain relationships.

i sometimes can't bear to look at the art of others.. it usually makes me feel so inadequate and jealous. it doesn't take much to make me feel inadequate and jealous.

people aren't supposed to cry often

    hey LOVE
    you got it goin now
    you got it lovin now
    you got it hanging out
    inside a ladies room
    you gonna love your pubic
    you gonna fake it public
    hey LOVE
    cause I'm a sick little porno queen
    queen of the bush

from solongAgo:
everything i
hate about anyone is what i usually
hate about myself which is basically everything and that i
hate too everything i
love about anything is what i
love about you which is absolutely everything and that i
love too you bring out the
beauty in me i'm only
ugly when you're not around

i can't make decisions i'd rather be told what to do
i can't take initiative i'd rather follow you
i can't be creative i just pretend to
i can't see anything there's nothing to see
i can't speak to anyone cause no one speaks to me
i can't be myself i just pretend to
what if someone realises who i am?

my body goes anywhere my head does!
if only i could have such a realisation every day.

i redesigned disturbing because i have a new*found love of seahorses & i've always liked foetuses. and seahorse foetsues are darlingly gorgeous and i plan to start an extensive collection.

while i was looking at his face as he was sleeping today.. his stubble kept seeming to me to be ants. millions of ants scattering in all directions over his jaw.

somebody else is living in my grandparents' house now.
thinking of their house makes me cry. more than thinking of them does. probably because i knew the house better than i knew them. & now my grandfather is dead & my grandmother.. will be dead soon, may be already dead. i should write her a letter. what do you say in your last letter? i haven't spoken to her in years&

spat a greyish yellow chunk of phlegm in the vague direction of the rusted & sagging fence, where it flattened the strengthless weeds, and the dust tried to absorb it and turn it into nothing.

i think anyone would be the wrong person to learn to be with someone.. with.

i read everything i can about schizotypal personality disorder
& still don't understand anything. why doesn't anyone tell me why?
i need why*s!!

if i only had days to live
would i be perfect then?

would that make me--
would i become--

how could i have days to live
and not be perfect then?

would i forgive everyone
finish everything
would i have compassion for everyone
have passion for everything

*.*.*

lies between the lines
my smiles fit perfectly
my eyes are sliding fine
from side to side
my mind fuzzes nightly
when i die

*.*.*

may you live in interesting times

*.*.*

it's easy to not do anything, but even now, i find i have to sprint just to stay where i am."