i'm bad enough to be my nothings
continuously mistaking small children for God

<girl name="io" age="20" want="to die" need="memorie wipeout" have="everything else">helpme</girl>

I wonder what people bury at funerals

sometimes I see everything as black &
sometimes I don't see black at all

people shouldn't know what they're missing
it isn't fair
[my past feels deformed]

I feel like I'm not really me
but a me-flavoured artificial production
elaborately contrived to be as me-like as possible

&words don't seem to mean anything today
jumbles of squiggles pretending not to squirm

I'm timing ..........OUT

&it snowed :)))

i pretend to make people happy. am i even drunk? i made porcupine balls today and they're atrocious .. but don't taste bad. i'm scared to let anyone else try them.

am i drunk or am i just excusing myself? looking for a release. i don't need a release, i'm sure of myself! anything but.. but i am sure i don't need to express.. t     anything. I wonder if not doing so is damaging me. I hope so. i must hope so because i wonder it often. i have so many secrets. shall i express them?

in descending order of how heavily they choke me:

1) i have so many secrets.
god. every time I type out another i delete it. what if they're read? i can't risk it. I don't want anything to crumble right now because i'm sure I'm as happy as i could possibly be.

3) I'm an imaginationless uncreative lout. i collect strained thoughts until i have enough to make it seem as though they just pour effortlessly. and i can't stand revisions. i don't pour over a thesaurus. the first word that comes to mind is good enough for me. 2 is just as worthwhile as two and takes less energy. I can barely divide. i once tested genius - my memories disappear nightly. i had 4 electroshock treatments when i was young and this is what I blame my mind on. I don't remember them - i was asleep.

8) i do get mad. extremely excruciatingly mad. not very often .. but I do. and when i do I can't speak unless it's a positive or negative in response to a direct and very simple question. when I'm mad I scream, rant and rave, positively vibrate with scathingly cruel and witty commentary.. entirely in my mind. my expression even changes with my mind-comments, which are usually imagined conversations which sometimes i mistake for being real.

9) i am so jealous. I can barely witness the creations of others unless they're astonishingly inferior to those of my own. I am so insecure i can't stand to be seen as less than perfection. if I do something wrong i'll never even try again!

my past is so much a lie it may even be a lie to myself.

14) I rarely speak to anyone without lying to them. but that isn't a secret. only I tell each and every one of them that i would never lie to THEM - just everyone else. i'm getting better.. unless i'm in a position where i feel it would hurt ME to tell the truth, including past lies, i tell the truth. I once said i told the truth to the point of pain. it was a lie. truth is nothing special to me. Lies merely protect me.

what am i doing?

there is plenty up my sleeve. whole worlds just in case they're needed.
it's been a slow month. I'm an imposter.