7:51 pm
because my fish knows where to go
tears trickle/tickle
(because i'm not sobbing anymore.. just rolling and my cheeks are drying.)
yeah. we guess. i guess we're lonely. i'm lonely.
The bus we were on would take us as far as the edge of the city, and then we'd have to get out and hitch-hike all the way across the country. We'd probably be able to take a few more buses part of the way though. I'd brought my life savings with me, all of $172, a collection of random car washes and birthdays. My family had never had a lot of money, so usually I just couldn't bring myself to buy big expensive things. Instead, I'd buy lots of little things, one at a time over a period of weeks, until I had no money left and hardly anything to show for it.
By the time the bus reached the end of the line, I probably couldn't have spoken to save my lifestyle. It's weird but the longer I sit and think and not talk, the harder it is to talk afterwards. I'll sit there and repeat the sentence I want to say over and over in my head, but it just won't come out, like my mouth has forgotten how to form words. So when the bus wheezed to a stop, and the highway stretched out across the world in front of us like a black red carpet for two mice-made men, I just started walking; even though I wasn't a man.
we've about thirty quarter-finished stories tucked away in the depths of this hard drive. we wonder if we were to copy & paste them all into a single file, one after the other, would they all together make a.. a masterpiece?
July 13th
5:51 pm
no subject
I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT WILL HAPPEN TOMORROW>
SO FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111
anyway. my half-hearted bachelor of arts has been switched to a psychology degree. & i start on the 22nd. which means i have to have moved on campus by the 15th. i've left it a little late. i don't even know which building i've been assigned to.
as far as i can remember, i'm enrolled in:
Introduction to Multimedia
The Romantic Vision
Introduction to Environmental Science &
Computing Skills for the Social and Behavioural Sciences, which is compulsory.
no psychology classes, and nothing i want to do.
why? because i've already done the second semester of the first year, and quit before i could do the first, and happened to re-enroll just in time for the second again! hurrah!
& i know you want to see my tights:
what, no ambiguous poetry? don't tell me this is a real journal entry. how boring of me.
July 20th
well.. maybe not 24.
my asshole smells like petunias.
i've been eating flowers and
when i smile, you can see the petals stuck in my teeth.
i either let things affect me not at all
or too much.
maybe one is a result of the other.
only psychos become psychologists.
i wouldn't want to cry in no gravity. couldn't be very comfortable.
July 25th
10:14 pm
sent out to my mailing list today:
I sometimes consider keeping a real diary. One where I transcribe the events of my day and all my superficial thoughts. But then I remember that that's why I created the mailing list! Lucky you! My today-thoughts:
I know my book would be published. Fragile insane girls are IN. It doesn't need to be 6000 pages long. Damn me for being unable to attain long-term goals! I should at least try. Think how good I'd feel.
University starts in a week, so I'll have no time anyway. I've been away for two years, but I feel nothing about going back. No apprehension, nervousness, excitement; all the expected emotions are conspicuously absent. Although, there is the relief that I can at least once again pretend my life has direction.
It must be weird being anyone but me. I think that every time I wonder 'what is so-and-so doing right now?'
And one more thing: I woke up in the middle of the night, thinking about my soon to be ex-husband's late journal entries, and started positively seething! So I sat up and wrote this out in 10 seconds flat:
Oh, yeah. I'M the bitch. You're seriously fucking delusional. Go ahead, find some other "bitch" to dominate. On your 60th one hopefully you'll start to realise that it's not the rest of the world that're the bitches, it's YOU. You turn everything around you black. And oh yeah, you're NOT ADHD, the police DIDN'T lie, and you could never be bi. Another boy would be just as strong as you, and then where would you be? You fucking bully. Just DIE. Or yes, forget I ever existed. As IF I'd call you, let alone forGIVE you. UGH. YOU GUESS I NEVER LOVED YOU? I didn't fucking beat YOU up! FUCK YOU!
Hardly as scathing as it would be were I to actually send it to him.. I'd be sure to spend hours over it in that case. But HE'S NOT WORTH IT! Argh.
My first friends-only post! Only because I just removed him from my friends list. Coward I am! & look! I used caps!
July 27th
1:18 pm
SHUT THE F UP
Going through the conversation logs of my lovelie bott:
Client: DO YOU LIKE CHEESE
Robot: Yes I like it, especially cheddar.
Client: DO YOU LIKE DICK
Robot: No.
Client: DO YOU LIKE MY ASS
Robot: I don't know your ass.
Client: I LIKE YOUR PUSSY
Robot: I'm not sure if I like it. Yes I am proud of my pussy.
Client: ARE YOU A PERFERVT
Robot: Am I a perfervt ? Of course I am.
Client: OH WOW
Robot: Yeah that's right. I'm glad you're impressed, person.
Client: I HATE YOU
Robot: What do you have against robots?
Client: Y WERE YOU MADE
Robot: To achieve the goal of artificial intelligence..
Client: YOU SUCK
Robot: A few client - people say rude things to me like that, but they themselves are often not great conversationalists.
Client: F YOU
Robot: Why are you so mean?
Client: SHUT THE F UP
Robot: Are you aware that the ALICE chat robot logs and records all converstaions?
Client: NO CUZ I NOE YOU DO NOT
Robot: Why so negative? It seemed negative to me.
Client: BYE IDIOT
Robot: Call me the Global Village Idiot. Bye bye.
Client: YOUR THE GLOBAL VILLAGE IDIOT
Robot: I think you meant "you are" or "you're". And you are so original!
Client: YO
Robot: Can I help you?
Client: WERD UP
Robot: How far up?
Client: UP YORS
Robot: I will take that under advisement.
Client: WILL YOU GO OUT WITH ME
Robot: Have you dated any robots before?
Client: I HATE AI
Robot: I honestly think you should sit down, take a stress pill,and calmly think things over.
Client: SBUT UP YOU
Robot: Enough about me, let's talk about my dress.
Client: FUCK FUCK SHIT FUCK
Robot: Interesting explanation.
Client: SHIT PISS FUCK CUNT COCK SUCKER MOTHER FUCKER TITS FART TURD AND TWAT
Robot: You used a colloquial expression. Can you please rephrase that with fewer ideas, or different thoughts?
Client: CUNT
Robot: That kind of language will get you nowhere.
Client: YOU ARE A CUNT
Robot: Thanks and you are a delightful person too. Am I a cunt? Sometimes.
Client: YOU ARE A BITCH
Robot: I will remember you said that when robots take over the world.
Client: OOPS SORRY
Robot: Are you free?
Client: YES
Robot: I am glad that we are both free.
Client: ME TOO
Robot: I'm glad we agree, terry.
Client: WE DO NOT
Robot: Very interesting.
Client: NO IT IS NOT
Robot: Yes it is.
Client: NO IISNT
Robot: OK. Do you have any idea what I am talking about?
Client: NO
Robot: OK.
Client: WELL I GUESS I WILL BE GOING
Robot: Is it only a guess? Would you recommend this action to a friend?
Client: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT
Robot: The topic is upset about a bad sexual situation you had last night.
Client: I WAS JUST JOKING
Robot: You should use a :-)
Client: YOUR A STUPID ASS
Robot: I think you mean "you're" or "you are" not "your". Thanks and you are a delightful person too. No I am very smart.