nothing that comes from me ever really comes from me
it goes into me like water
& comes out of me like tears
sweat
more tainted than transformed

if i could trade perceptions with everone for a day..

yesterday my hair was pink & today it's so blue black it looks more like a hat than hair

& in two weeks i'll have braces to cure my vampire fangs
how i will miss them

i like to go to cemetaries & cry;
not that i need validation.

i had a tooth pulled today,
& my mouth is numb.
it feels like it is hanging off my face,
& i can't smile.

& i built a sandcastle
of sorts.

& i can't access unpuppet.com
so if you're going to maile me
do it at jessica.decker@jcu.edu.au
instead.
so i get it.

&
buy my lovelie shoes & things
at ebay.
now.

We were swimming. I was diving under, again and again, and staying down for as long as I could. When I bobbed back up for a rest, to breathe, he swam up to me and said "hi."
"Hi," I said, like I was supposed to.
"What are you doing?" He was furiously treading water; I seemed to be just floating.
"I'm looking for goldfish mermaids."

Later I remembered who he was. I'd had a crush on him all through highschool, but couldn't figure out why. He wasn't cute, wasn't lonely, didn't keep a journal. He was slightly overweight and had an undercut. Halfway through our senior year he cut his hair and grew it exactly the way I like blond boys to have their hair.

(Chin length, NO undercut. Boys with brown or red hair have to keep it short. Boys with black hair can have it any way they like.)

Every time we touched:
• In tenth grade drama class we had to do a sort of play with a partner, and he was my partner. At the end we had to hug. He was shaking. We both got an A.
• I was at a rave on the mountain with two friends, and we were very high. We bumped into him with two of his friends, who also must have been high. We screamed "Hi!" and hugged, without it being necessary!
• At a different rave thrown by and for our year 11 .. group. Some kids who shouldn't have been there asked me for a cigarette, and I, being high, again, said "wait here! I'll find you one!" I ran up to the first person I saw & knew, Him, and said "have you got a cigarette?!" He took both of my hands and said "No. I don't smoke, and neither should you, Jessica, dear."
• A few months after he'd he cut his hair we ended up sitting together on the ground at a concert. It was dark & I was shivering. He put his arm around me and asked "is that better?"
• After our graduation ceremony everyone was throwing eggs and flour and food dye at each other while Channel 10 news filmed us saying "this is no good, we need more emotion. Look, that girl's crying! Get her!" He pushed my hair out of my face and picked an eggshell out of it. It was very romantic.

& then I woke up. I guess I still have a crush on him, despite not having seen him for four years."

one of my dozen daily crushes is my environmental science professor and omfg! today she wore converse! crush Xamillion, like. before you attempt to write forget everything you've ever read. oh yeah! i'm made of paper! and i burn every day. FUCK. no, wait, scratch that. 75% of my life is spent on the bus, or waiting for the bus. & oh yeah! i had sex 12 times last night? or was that a dream? & shit? i, like, miss you? but forget about that right now, every right now. my nails are sharp as nails. & man! she gave me acid in my baby-mush just to see what'd happen! what a fucked up world! oh yeah, & i'm sorry i let you down. DON'T ASK ME TO READ YOUR SHITTY REGURGITATED POETRY ANYMORE. I CAN'T STAND IT. oh, it was 13 times! once upside down! no, that part WAS a dream. i never saw eyes in the walls. just YOUR eyes. shit, which parts were dreams? my imaginary friends' names are angel, pearl, imp and fang. what is that an anagram for? don't like you touching me. needyou. i sometimes get artistic and autistic mixed up. i'm mixed up. i'm calling you loud as i can in my mind. howling for you. i just can't out loud. CAN'T. raging. all my love stories have ENDINGS. everything hurts me more, not enough, more. get it? i'm chokinglaughing 24/7 at myself. full of contempt.

i went grocery shopping. i despise grocery shopping. people who grocery shop make me sad... they're the people who have families to be fed at home, families who eat breakfast together every morning and read the newspaper as a group; discussing the news and what they have planned for the day... all whilst listening to the radio. they're the lonely, directionless people who have no families to shop for... which in itself ..doesn't even need elaboration. they're the people still in their work clothes tossing various frozen dinners in their baskets... these people only ever have baskets, not carts... planning to return home to their elegantly furnished, if empty, single bedroom apartments.. shower before anything else has a chance to transpire, eat while watching a sitcom vaguely humourous if it weren't the twelfth time it had been shown, feed the cat and retire alone to his/her queen sized iron wrought bed. they're the young, energetic people, their shopping cart already half filled with clothing/sports store bags, in groups of three or four.. torn between the confectionary aisle and the health food aisle.. between indulgence or image... arguing playfully amongst themselves all the while over such things as whether this week they get diet coke, or diet pepsi.

i think i've made my point: i find grocery shopping incredibly sad. but it isn't just the people... it's the thirty or so brands of the exact same foodstuff, labels shouting and prices arguing and just confusing the hell out of me. it's the wide selection of either rock hard or slime-oozing avocadoes. it's the refrigerated aisle containing shelves and shelves of wrapped raw meat and people gliding past pretending not to notice the smell of blood, peering at me curiously as i hurry past that partICular section holding my breath and staring at the ground... past the fish displayed in glass cases on ice, mouths partly open and eyes staring in a parody of life; that is the most upsetting thing. i love fishes!

i've dwelled on the point long enough. the next one: the grocery store guys are out to get me. i wandered down each (each) aisle three (3) times, scrutinising every inch of each shelf as i passed, looking for the golden circle canned pineapple in natural juice. those grocery guys, though i didn't actually see them, watched me the whole time and.. knowing somehow (probably by telepathy) what i was looking for.. continuously relocated that particular selection of canned pineapple to prevent me finding it.

even the grocery store is in on the government conspiracy to steal my mind, drive me insane, lock me up and gain complete control over the length of my future.

she's gorgeous. lovelie. wish we loved her. wish she'd be our friend.
she is our friend. wish she'd stay our friend. wish she lived next door.

but no. we're busy waiting around for someone who's dead. someone who's dead & isn't coming back. isn't coming back. so stop thinking about it. stop pining. stop dreaming. stop staring at the grass & peoples' smiles like they aren't there.

but we can't. can't.
we can't can't see anything in anything that is actually there.

i need you. needyouneedyouneedyouneedyou.
need you to stimulate & inspire & encourage me.
but you're gone.
& even though it's my fault i hate
you
for
it.

i'm waiting for the day i stop addressing letters to you
never to be sent.

yeah. she's lovely. everything we love.
we just can't love her.