so. i was waiting for the bus, as i so usually am. i noticed the black hair_d boy next to me when he asked if i had a lighter. i shook my head. i normally would have said "huh?" just to hear him ask it again, & to see if he worded it differently the second time. but my brain betrayed me & ordered my head to shake before i could think about it. i spent the next 5seconds cursing my brain.

then, for no reason, i thought i should give him the $10 in my wallet. i still can't figure out why i thought that strange thing to think. then i thought of the $10 i'd given the record store weeks ago to order a record, & never heard back about. i thought if i gave the black hair_d boy the $10 in my wallet, maybe i could then force myself to go to the record store & get the other $10 back, & then i wouldn't've lost any $10's.

but then the black hair_d boy got up to leave, so it was too late to give him the $10. as he got up, a pair of sunglasses fell out of his pocket, and with it a $10 note. he picked up the sunglasses & walked off. i picked up the $10 & ran after him. & gave it to him.

100% true. i realised later he must've been reading my mind, & dropped & left the $10 on purpose.

the sun presses down too hard on me
and makes me stare at my freckles. they're so strange. i have two on my arm that have always reminded me of a pair of eyes. one on my ring finger left right where the ring would be. i lost my wedding ring. but have replaced it with one just as meaningless. i like my hands. i've piano hands.

been asking everyone their best & worst personality traits, according to them.self, but haven't answered.
my best personality trait. i'm 100% independent. i could be the only person left alive & would feel the same, be the same.
my worst personality trait. the same one?

everyone should write entries like this. and post pictures.

I was of three minds,
Like a tree
In which there are three blackbirds.

My mind, because the minds that I have loved,
The sort of beauty that I have approved,
Prosper but little, has dried up of late,
Yet knows that to be choked with hate
May well be of all evil chances chief.
If there's no hatred in a mind
Assault and battery of the wind
Can never tear the linnet from the leaf.

He had thought her wretchedly altered, and, in the first moment of appeal, had spoken as he felt. He had not forgiven Anne Elliot. She had used him ill; deserted and disappointed him; and worse, she had shewn a feebleness of character in doing so, which his own decided, confident temper could not endure. She had given him up to oblige others. It had been the effect of over-persuasion. It had been weakness and timidity.
He had been most warmly attached to her, and had never seen a woman since whom he thought her equal; but, except from some natural sensation of curiosity, he had no desire of meeting her again. Her power with him was gone for ever.

I am silver and exact. I have no preconceptions. Whatever I see I swallow immediately

I've four goldfish:
Stevens, Yeats, Austin, Plath.

my mumm went to europe yesterday, so i'm at her house looking after it & my sister for a whole month. i was alone all day today because i had no classes & sarah was at school and it's amazing. how quickly being alone sucks all the insanity in the world right into your belly. no wonder i was locked up all those times. i was alone all the time back then. it's BAD for you. there's no one to distract you from yourself.

when i was married i used to get upset because being around someone 24 hours a day made my head hollow with superficial uncomforts (as opposed to discomforts) and all i could think about was what time it was. & as for anything creative! a thousand miles away. all i saw was empty glass jars and dust. but being alone. being alone is tiring & scary & like drowning, because people are lifeguards.

i once asked someone what those things floating on the water were & whoever i asked (can't remember) said "buoys" & i thought they were the gasping heads of little floating boys out in the ocean. i actually still think they are.

&

all liars are my soulmates. i remember you said a while ago that you didn't lie. liars always say that. i used to make such a big deal about how i didn't lie that it was so obvious that i did with every breath. i lied a lot back then because i was esteemless, because i liked to play with people & push their buttons & hurt them, & because i never liked the truth for various reasons.
i lie now because i don't like to say the same thing twice. it's boring. what can you learn from saying the same thing twice?